Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in cadetmg1831's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
10:49 am	Crash and Burn Well really sorry I have not written in this thing in like forever, had a pretty bad go of it if you will. I made it to 19 years old (March 18th), that is lagit like the only good thing that has happened to me in the past like few weeks. Now I am just trying to keep my head above the water. I never thought in a million years I would be asking myself "where do I belong, where do i fit in, what do I do, who are my friend?" And sadly enough, I have been asking those questions everynight for the past week or so. I hate the way things are going in my life right now and I honestly just wish I was someone else/some place else. Certain events happening to me over the course of the past 8 weeks leading up to now have really taken me by surprise and put me between a rock and a hard place. I'm 19, I can deal with it, or that is what I keep telling myself. I wish things were different, I have family disasters to worry about, my college ed., my career in the armed forces (which I hope is what I want, and hope it goes well), and some other bull shit that has come up recently. Who am I, what am I doing, where am I going, and what is happening to me? I don't exactly know, but I do know this, I walk a straight line, and I don't look for trouble, but sometimes it finds its way to me. 3 months ago, my life was fine, almost perfect, had just about everything I ever wanted. Now 3 months later, it is like all the walls are comming down on top of me and I am not exactly sure if I can stop it. Like some very wise people have told me, "keep your mouth shut, head high, and walk straight ahead." At least I can say my life is complete WITHOUT DRUGS, BOOZE, NARCOTICS, and all that other bull shit that some people I know of are on because their lives must really suck. What the hell is the point of getting stonned anyways? It just fucks you up and makes you an even bigger dumbass than you already are just for doing it. Whatever, all you out there who need that shit, you more or less got no future ahead of you, if you need to crash and burn on drugs and alcohol, maybe your life isn't worth as much as you think. On a final note, my new family at school, I know for a fact they will never abondon me, so I will always have a few hundred brothers and sisters there for me.
Saturday, March 4th, 2006
3:29 pm	Almost done with Winter Semester Well the winter semester here at MMA is almost over, and it has certainly had its ups and downs. More ups I would like to say, but the occasional night of horror. I have been shitfaced, drunk off my ass, cried my eyes out, kicked a wall with shower shoes on, broken my right foot, nearly broken my right hand/wrist, and nearly been sent to the hospital on two or three occasions, and lost the one girl that I truly did love more than anything in the world, and no matter what I did, I can not seem to even get her to talk to me, that would be the biggest downside of all. Those would be the down sides, and as usual there are upsides that go along with the downs. I have made a shitload of new friends (more like brothers and sister), go a kick ass job that I can work whenever I feel like, not to mention it pays damn good. I got my old best friend back (yes we went like 8 or 9 months without speaking to each other), and I have finalized my enlistment in the Coast Guard Reserves finally and got the unit I am being assigned to (POINT ALLERTON baby!). Let me see, anything else? I now know that my parents will almost never question me again and that they have a shitload of respect for me considering what I am doing with my life now. Overall, I have just learned a lot of things in the past 5 weeks and a lot of them I have had to learn the hard way. I know what it feels like to lose your one true love (that one sucks the most), I know how much pain you are in when you break a fucking bone in your body, esspecially when you inflict it on yourself (thank you alcohol), and I now know how it feels to have true friends that will be there for you every step of the way and back you up no matter what, and be there for you through it all. I won't drink again (unless it is completely necessary), drugs are just not even a question, those that do drugs in my eyes MUST HAVE A REALLY SHITTY LIFE AND NEED TO FUCK THEMSELVES UP MENTALLY AND KILL BRAIN CELLS IN ORDER TO ENJOY LIFE. Ha, I laugh at you. I am sort of a hypocryte for that one, but to all the people I know that do drugs or have stopped, good luck with whatever you do. Alright, well I am gonna go shower seeing how I did not get back to my dorm until like 4 this morning and I just work up an hour or so ago. Later all. Might not update for a little while seeng how my laptop is sick. PEACE Current Mood: content Current Music: Rock, Rap, Hip Hop, w/e the fuck I feel
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
6:27 pm	Just another day... not really to smile Well today I worked, hit the gym, did some writting, and oh yes, my right foot is in so much agonizing pain it is rediculous. And the reason why I did it are still killing me to this day. Umm wow, I so just walked away from my computer for like 45 minutes and then just realized that I had to finish my entry. What a fool I can be. Damn man. So anywho, what else can I put in this damn thing that is new and like in some way interesting? I have made a few new and really close friends down here at MMA, more like older/bigger brothers in my eyes. As they have kind of adopted me as "junior" or "little mikey." And I love the fact that they are some of the chillest guys I ever met. Ah so yeah, umm let me think... I just really can't wait till freshman year at MMA is over, it will be one of the happiest days of my life! I do remember the happiest day of my life *11-20-04* for 2 main reasons. Anywho, I am out for now cuz I am tired and might take a nap, so yeah, might be back on before the night is officially over, if not, till next time.
1:06 am	What a start to a week Well this past weekend was quite eventful, had a shitload of fun and yes some new experiences that I won't soon forget. My fucking right foot however as I have come to learn is in fact broken, and has been broken for nearly 4 weeks now, and that really isn't good, seeing how I walk everwhere, and I work, and work out at the gym like everyday, it really doesn't feel up to par. But oh well, a little physical pain never hurt anyone (that is such a fucking understatement, it fucking kills me). But no fucking way I am getting a cast put on the goddamn thing. Other than that, the training ship USTS Enterprise made it back from the Med Sea on Sunday morning and docked at it's berthing at about 0745 in the morning, and seeing how I didn't get back to the damn dorm till about 3:30 Sunday morning and woke up at like 7, can't say I was very cohearant Sunday. Did the tours of the training ship for the open house with some of the other cadets, in my service dress blues (one of my favorite uniforms out of the many that I have). My hearing didn't completely come back till around 11 or so Sunday morning so, don't know how many questions I actually heard correctly, lol. And yeah, it was really great to see all my brother come back on sunday, I missed them all very much. Awesome group of guys and gals in the regiment. Love them all, they are my family away from my real family. But yeah, overall I had a really good weekend, and had a lot of fun. My family (mother, father, and two younger brothers, sister had to work) came down Sunday evening to see me and took me and a few other cadets out to dinner, which was very nice, shared some really funny laughs and let's just say this, my folks are a little surprised at their oldest child at the things he has been up to lately, but the advice, "don't fuck up, and watch your ass, have fun, just don't be stupid" which was the way I was hoping they would take it. Well, I got nothing much really doing this week to my knowledge, I will update again when I can, maybe tomorrow after my day is done. Then I know I am going over to the training ship for a game night or movie night in the lounge with the guys, that should kick ass. Peace out. Current Music: Boston
Saturday, February 25th, 2006
4:52 pm	alright, what to write? Well I got my best friend back of like 14 or 15 years, that was really nice. That made me smile. I hit the gym everyday this week except I think maybe Wednesday, I can't remember, and finally seeing some real results, that made me feel pretty damn good. Got my pay check this week and wow, I didn't realize that a college student could make so much just a few days a week. I love my job, just don't know how long I am going to be there for. I don't really have that much to write seeing how I just don't feel like typing, but I wll see what else I can dig up. I got a shitload of stuff that I could write about right now and it actually dawned on me that I could write a fucking novel about the past 4 weeks alone, which is really kind of sad and depressing to me, but what the fuck. Had a pretty decent week this past week, if you want any specific details then you must ask me for them either on aol or by means of my cell phone. I was looking online a few nights ago at like 3 in the morning (yes I did not get back till around then) and I think I am gonna be a little crazy for once in my life. Anyways, yeah, I just don't feel like typing right now, but maybe be back later. Peace
Monday, February 20th, 2006
9:25 pm	Long day, Nothing doing Well today was just like any othere, hit up the gym for a few hours, and yeah, nothing special. Saw one of my friends from work this past summer, Capt. Brian, hot shit he is, funniest son of a bitch I know. Other than that, nothing really grand today, relaxed, or tried to shall I say, and yeah. I have really gotten into Jon Secada, he is a pretty decent singer, and a bit of Bush, Beck, and some Nine Inch Nails. Not sure why, but like have been listening to them a little bit lately and they are alright. I was talking to some people at the gym today and they asked me if I liked taking pictures? I told them I am no way near photogenic and they told me it's a shame, looking back on it, I have many pictures that I take to school with me and a few that I keep in my wallet, small ones just for glancing at. Many of my pictures of the past year and few months are amazing, and hence I got a nice photo album to put them all in. So many amazing memories. Sharing time with someone special and meaningful is a blessing no matter how you put it. I wish like nothing that I could have that one chance to make things right, because I have no doubt I could do it. I know I can, and I wish I had the chance to make more memories. I don't know what I will get but, I can only hope and pray. Catch you all later
Sunday, February 19th, 2006
12:13 am	New Day/Old Day Let's see I woke up today and kind of slept in late for no apparent reason and I did go to bed rather early last night. Not sure what happened to me. I worked on a little project of my own today, nothing special, just a little something to keep my busy which I think came out quite nice. Now on to fix the steering column in my car, that will be a total bitch to fix, but hey, it's got to be done. I hit the gym today for a couple of hours and spent about a half hour in the pool doing water survival drills for the coast guard and for school. Then I got my stupid homework done and got my work schedule for the following week. I love my new jon, driving amphibious tanks and other vehicles and doing boat maintenance and repair, that is the shit. Might I add it pays extremely well and all under the table. Ah yeah, the love of challenges in life. I know it for a fact that the best things in life, the ones worth going after and things to actually accomplish are always the ones you need to really bend over backwards, head over heal, and like pull out all the stops for. And I know what I am doing in life right now. Hahahaha, I just remembered one of the funniest quotes from the best person "What are you doing today Napoleon?" you know who you are that tried to immitate it, it was the cutest thing ever I swear, fishie face. Good times. Peace up A-Town!
Thursday, February 16th, 2006
5:35 pm	It's just another day Alright, here I am going on little sleep, worked a little longer than I had planned on today. Got there at 7 and didn't quite leave until 4:30 or so. Tried taking a nap, then woke up. Now I am going to attempt to take another nap, then get some math shit done, and ehh, if I am awake enough and not dead, hit up the gym around 8 or so. I tried to IM Sarah just to say hi and see how she is doing. But as usual, she won't even give me the time of day. I don't know. Anywho, I am calling it lights out for an hour or two and then gonna try and get some shit done. Catch all you later. Current Mood: tired
12:40 am	All thoughts come together Well I am up at 12:45 in the morning after trying to sleept for the past few hours and I read all the comments left to me and my entries. Look, no one out there knows me except Sarah. Sarah is a wonderful girl. I just over react to many situations because I am affraid of many things. And I have a bitch of a time taking control of my fears. Laura I read your comments, and you do not know me for shit. Alright, you got plenty of issues of your own to worry about and deal with. I know that I sound like a fool typing all these entries and so what if I do. I don't care what the next person says to me. Especially comments made to me by people who don't even know me. You know who I am talking about. So just waste your breathe stabbing at me when it means jack shit, and you know it's just sticks and stones. I got some things going for me right now, and some I am still in the process of working on. Whoever reads these entries, this is all you really need to know, Sarah is simply amazing. There is no other girl out there like her and there could never be anoher girl out there anywhere near like her, period, end of that. As for me, all I have to say is I am sorry, I am no where near perfect myself and I still intend on doing what I need to do, with or without anyone's co-operation, simply because I can. So just to clear all that bull shit up, Sarah is incredible, and I am going to stop there because if I continue, I will be writing about her all night. I on the other hand am an asshole, and I will set everything right again once and for all. Any more comments about my LJ? Go for it, I'd love to know how many people out there reading this thing actually know who I really am and who Sarah is. The only thing that should cross your mind if you read these is Sarah is an angel.
Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
6:58 pm	Alright, set this straight Alright, I just read some of my comments and I do believe someone missunderstood me. Sarah is the best thing that could ever happen to a man. A comment said that she sounded like a slut. Let me tell you something about Sarah, she is amazing. When I say she had her faults, we all have them, you know they were nothing serious, I just overreacted to everything that happened with her. She is not anywhere near a slut. I could simply go on for hours on end and say a billion great things about this girl. I am just still a little imature for my age. Sarah is not a druggie or drug addict, whatever you wanna call it. And she don't drink. She is an amazing girl, an awesome student, and an unbelievable athlete. She has got some talent for the things she does. An extremely beautiful girl, who does great in school, like has one hell of a GPA, excells in all the sports she plays, and is just an all around wonderful person. Hey look, if someone is called a slut because you read or hear that someone does drugs or drinks, them damn it, I must be a male slut, because I have drank, and I have smoked before. Not a big deal in the world. Sarah has never cheated on me, and I damn well know for a fact that she never would. I just know it. I know people who are sluts, I am not going to mention any names, but if you know me well and have spoken with me a lot (you know who you are), then you know who I am talking about, lol. Someone related to me for one could be called a huge slut, won't give any names, Jess. Anyways, I just read some comments and wanted to set some things very clear. Sarah is by far the most devoted, loyal, and faithful girl I have ever met, and will ever meet in my lifetime. End of that. Like I said before, if doing drugs and drinking makes you a slut, then I guess I must be a slut too.
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
10:35 pm	One last thought for the night Well I am setting things straight with people and telling them what happened, just like Sarah told me to do. I really do believe that reguardless of the severety of the mistake, a mistake is the same as any other mistake. If you make a mistake more than once, it is bad no matter what the mistake is. Sarah, you chose to do drugs and drink this summer while I was at work if you thought I was being an asshole to you, look, I worked a lot this past summer, and I let work get the best of me on a number of ocasions. I was always happy to see you at the end of each work day, even if it was only for a few moments or just a brief drive down to the store, it was with you and that made it all worth the while. You chose to deal with me not treating you up to par this summer by doing drugs with dre and drinking behind my back, and you waited something like 4 to 6 months before you came clean and told me about it. And you chose to use my student ID with my picture on it to crush up pills and snort them, again while you were with dre and I have no idea where the hell toney came from (i thought dre couldn't stand him). And even though you told me while you were crying on the phone that you did it because you missed me, the fact is you were looking at a picture of the one you love while you were doing it. That makes it that much worse. I feel very hurt and betrayed because during this whole time you had all my trust and I believed that you were always doing the right thing, when in reality, you were sneaking around getting high/stonned/ and drinking while I was making money to take you out. It is like I said you knew what you were doing the whole time, you are in control of your own actions. And I forgive you and look past ally you did because I love you. When you called me this past weekend, and told me you got stonned at your house by putting pot in a cigarette, it made me cry after you went to sleep. I feel helpless cuz someone as innocent and pure and beautiful as you should not need to do that to deal with problems. I know I took Jen out to a couple movies, and went to a new years party with her all without telling you, and I know I could have told you and you would have been fine with it. I waited a month to tell you the truth about what I did, only because you still hadn't told me the truth about what you did. You did what you did because you felt I wasn't treating you right, and because you missed me. I did what I did because you and I were fighting a bit, and I just wanted to take some time and hang out with a friend of mine who I wasn't going to fight with, just so I could relax and take it easy; also because I knew you were keeping things from me. I knew you were hidding things. Whenever I asked you about drugs, or if you started talking about them, and I questioned you, you got all defensful, and you would never have gotten defensful if you had nothing to hide. Look my reasons for doing what I did were unjustified no matter what, and vice versa for you. We are both wrong, and two wrongs don't make a right. So I am beging you to read this and strongly consider giving me one last chance to pull myself together and to be a man for you. It has been almost 3 sold it weeks sinse I saw your angel face, and I would die to see it again. I do not look or remember your wrongs, because my love for you clears your slate. I am beging Jen to give me this last chance and I am beging you. I wouldn't waste my time trying to ask this of you if I couldn't do it. 2 wrongs, let me make them right once and for all. I wouldn't send you cards, flowers, or anything if I didn't love or care about you. You are my first and only true love. And I want it to be like that again. I want to be able to get down on one knee on a nice spring day and ask you to be my girlfriend one last time and place a ring on your finger as I cry in pure happiness. One last chance to make things right, I am beging you and I won't stop until you at least consider it.
4:14 pm	Finally Valentine's Day Well it is Valentine's Day now and I wish I could say I made someone smile, unfortunatly I don't think I can be lucky to say that. On this day a year ago I was suppose to pick up Sarah for school and give her her first awesome valentine, but I managed to mess it up by not picking her up for school. Hence I decided that this year a special and amazing girl like her deserved something extra special. I sent her a valentine card (which took me about an hour and a half, give or take, to write in, because I poured my heart and soul into it), and I sent her some red roses with a small card, and a stuffed dog with a long sad face that had a thing of candy with it and another small card. On this day I wish I could say I am the luckiest guy on the face of the earth to have such an amazing girlfriend in Sarah. Sadly, due to miscommunication, and lies, I sit here wanting to cry my eyes out due to the great loss I have suffered in losing the most amazing girl I will ever meet, and a once really good friend of mine in Jen. I spent the majority of the day working (7:30-3:30), I came back to MMA and hit up the gym only for about a 1/2 hour cuz I was tired from work. Now I am sitting here remenising on all the good times I have shared with Sarah and all the hard times we managed to pull through together. So many great memories to share with such a wonderful girl it is uncanny to think that one person could ever be so lucky to have something so great in their life. I am done with drinking my problem away and being a little coward and running and hidding from things that I should be a man about. I will set everything that was once wrong, right again... for good. Most importantly with Sarah and Jen. I am commited to doing so. In the end, I will make sure that I see nothing but smiles from both of them. I will change, I will mature, and I will grow into a man. Sarah if you read this, please try to have a happy valentines day, I hope you got your gifts in the mail from me. I had arrainged for you to get those a while ago. And if you do read this, I love you with all my heart, and I will stop at nothing to set all wrongs right with you. I still believe there is a chance for a furture with you and I, and if there is even the slightest chance, I want to get it. I got my kick in the ass, now I beg you, to dig deep into your heart and try to find even the slightest bit of faith to let me turn this whole thing around. I know I can do it, and if I get that chance from you I will do it. You have a clean slate with me, and you have been forgiven for all your wrongdoings. I am not asking for forgivness, I am beging for one last final chance to show you I can mature and be a man. Jen, I am very sorry about everything that happend. You were nothing but a great friend to me and I am ashamed at what I did to you and Sarah. If you could find it in your heart to give me one chance to turn things around and possibly resurrect a friendship with you, I would be so thankful. I am sorry for what I did. Please, I beg you and Sarah to bear with me here just this one last, final time. My love belongs to angels, and one angel in particular Current Mood: sad
Monday, February 13th, 2006
5:46 pm	Correction, the night before V-Day Well I went to class today, hopfully aced my test which I am almost pretty sure I did. Then I hit up the gym for a couple hours seeing how my first day at work has been posponed until tomorrow due to too much snow. Ah yeah nothing really to say, just updating like I usually do. I just got done gamming it with one of the 1/C and a 2/C in Medal of Honor and yeah, we got a little too into that game. But it was fun. I so did something to my wrist today while I was drilling the punching bags. I got so much stuff on my mind it is insane, I swear I am under more stress and pressure than Geroge W. Bush. I am finding it hard to be happy at all these days. I am in school, working hard, studying a ton, reading ASVAB review books, and all these other coast guard books, and I still feel so empty inside. I have a few short term goals which I will be carrying over into the springtime and I have added one to it over the past week or so. After last night however, I must say that it is hard to have high hoped or hope of any sort. But I am too strong a believer in the idea that a person like me who is headstrong as all hell can actually change for the right person. I am in love with a girl that I may never be able to be with and hold in my arms again. The thought of it burns my heart inside and makes me wish I could die. I have my hopes and dreams and my prayers are strong. I am still praying everynight before I get into my rack for a miracle that the girl of my dreams might try to see the changes that I have made for her, all because I want nothing more than just to hold her in my arms again. I know there are people out there who do stupid things and feel not shame or regret about what they do, but that is not me. I have hurt someone, and no one really deserved what I did to them. All I have ever asked for in my life is honesty, and when people hint to me that they are hidding something, I tend to take it more to heart if they don't tell me. I kept something from someone for a month, when they kept something from me for almost 6 months. To betray one's trust is to do something behind their back when you have given them all your trust and they just do stuff reguardless if they are mad or happy with you. I did something really stupid that I really wish I could take back, and I am not the type of person I made myself out to be. I have been comming to my senses more and more over the past three weeks and I know the person I am and the person I want to be. I just want for one certain person to see that I am trying my best to be that person, because the only reason I am trying is someone I hold close to my heart. Love keeps no records of wrong, and I have many wrongs, and so does the angel I love to death. But my love for her overrides her wrongs and I do not see them. I wish she could just see the changes that I've made. "I've made a commitment, and I'm willing to bleed for you... I needed fulfillment, I found what I need in you" one of my all time favorite quotes from one of my favorite bands on a cd given to me from truly an amazing person. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: sad shit
1:26 pm	Valentine's Day Well it is finally Valentine's Day and I am at MMA. I got a job two days a week, I am doing great in my math class, and I am heartbroken to shit. A couple Saturdays ago, my true love Sarah confessed and came clean to me that she had done drugs, drank, and used my high school ID to snort some crushed up pills on my over the summer while I was away at boot camp (orientation) at MMA. I cried my eyes out and threw up a few times, but I love her so much that I looked past it and said "this is the love of my life, I can not keep this against her, I love her, my heart is with her." Last night (yes the eve of Valentine's Day) I told Sarah that I was under a high suspicion that she had done stuff behind my back this summer while I was working on the boasts out of Boston and that I had heard from a couple fairly reliable sources that she was doing drugs and drinking behing my back. I wanted to see if she would just tell me about it (seeing how she talks about drugs and drinking a fair amount when she is with me). But she never did. I myself am not perfect, I had a set up to go into Boston the past new years with my baby (Sarah) and a friend of mine Dave, and rather than be able to, I went to a party in Plymouth due to my mother being a pain in the ass and threatening me and all that bull shit. So to escape my sister and her bull shit friends I went to Plymouth where my heart sank and I became depressed and realized I was suppose to be with my baby (no matter if I was mad at her, and felt like she was hidding/keeping something from me). I got so depressed and upset I drank a little and around 1 a.m., I did kiss my friend Jen briefly. It was never suppose to happen, but it did and I am ashamed of myself. I cheated on my baby once with a fucking dyke/whore/ex g/f Chandra (God I hate that name), and was granted a chance to be a man and stay with my baby. Now I managed to fuck it up because the COMMUNICATION in our relationship was OFF on both sides. I love Sarah more than ever and I don't care what people say or think about me, I am a changed person, I have not seen this angel in nearly 3 weeks and it is killing me more than anything. I do hope Sarah re-reads that card she got from me on Saturday afternoon (I poured my heart into that and sincerely mean everything I put into it). And I hope she knows that my heart is always with her, and no other girl. Sarah and I were both wrong. Sarah was not right nor justified for doing drugs while I was at basic training getting yelled at for 2 weeks by officers while I cried my eyes out each night looking at a picture of her and I that I snuck into my dorm. Sarah kept pushing me, and gave me all my reasons to keep going and stay where I was and where I am now. I don't care how many times she has done drugs, got high, or shitfaced, I love her to death every minute, every hour, every second of each day. I was also not right by hanging out with Jen and not telling Sarah. Sarah would not have minded if I told her "hey sweatheart, while your at work tonight Jen is taking me to see a movie, I will see you when you get out of work." Sarah is the type of girl would would have said "alright baby, see you when I get off my shift." It doesn't matter what Sarah hides from me or had kept hidden from me, I should have kept in my mind that my love for her beat down all her faults and wrongs. I sit here at my computer this afternoon crying my eyes out, praying to God that Sarah knows I love her and realizes my heart is with her. I can forgive and forget what Sarah had kept from me and move on knowing she loves me. I am kneeling in hopes that she knows that what I did to her was out of anger and sadness at the fact that she did something without telling me and kept it from me. On this Valentine's Day I have sent the one girl I will ever truely want to call my baby, a package of love and devotion. Something that only comes straight from the heart. In hopes of making up for last years mishap and looking at what could be a possible future. Sarah I love you with all my heart, and I always will. I am a changed and still changing person (all for you). Please think about what you did and what I did and understand we are both wrong and at fault. I will never stop writing to you and never stop loving you. The only girl I ever want to hold in my arms again is you. I don't care if you half ass flirted with guys behind my back, smoked or drank, I look past it, my love for you conqueres all. I beg of you and pray that you will think about this closely and try to see that we have put our cards out on the table one last time. This can and will be (if you let it) the dead last time either of us messes up and hurts the other. If you are the sincere person who believes in true love and that scripture from the Bible in your profile, then you will see that you and I are both changing and are more mature now. I pray that this srping you and I can make another relationship with each other and love and care for one another like we can. All my love to you, the one angel I want to hold and keep close to watch over me. I WRITE ALL IN MY LIVEJOURNAL SO THAT EVERYONE WHO READS IT CAN SEE THAT I AM HONEST AND SINCERE AND THAT I TRULY DO LOVE AND CARE FOR THIS GIRL (SARAH IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE AND ONLY SWEETHEART) Current Mood: depressed Current Music: anything that reminds me of my baby sarah
Saturday, February 11th, 2006
8:29 pm	Ah yes, another night down on the cape Well I told you I would write again tonight, so that is what I am doing now. Well today I went for a run along the canal this morning and well that was cold, stupid me I did not dress properly for the wheather. Now let me see, I did some shopping today, nothing too big but did take care of some errands (not quite sure how to spell that). Now Fisher, Robles, and I are just relaxing waiting for the snow to start falling. While playing go fish with a deck of cards (yes Sarah I will not forget that time at the Library when you kicked me ass at go fish). And trying to watch some dvds on the computer. Other than that, my simple work out routine went well today, I did not use the pool today, but I am thinking maybe tomorrow morning before I class I might go for a swim and start my water training. Outside of that I got in my 100 pushups and 150 crunches which was nice. Oh yes how could I forget, I got a call from Sarah this afternoon, she was just calling me to let me know that she had recieved a card from me earlier this afternoon and that she liked it. That did make me smile for once this week I must say. To know that I made her happy and smile was a very nice thought. I do not know how her Valentine's Day will go, mine will more than likley be misserable, however, seeing how it is on a Tuesday, I will be able to go for my morning run, and then hit the gym for a few hours, and be able to get all of my studying done. I honestly could not help it today, I was so board at one point that I read "Dating for Dummies" online and I got a kick out of it, but I also got some pointers from it as well. And there was a quote I found today that caught my eye (no I will tell where I got it from), and it made me think really hard and I tried my best to dig up an answer for it. "The fact is everyone will hurt you. The only question left is whos worth the pain?" Well honestly, the answer to that question in my eyes is someone who is there. When you reach deep down inside your heart and think (yes everyone makes mistakes, it is a fact of life, no one is perfect), who is always willing to stick up for you, take a hit for you, hell, the person who I think is worth the pain is the one who will go through it all for you... and when I say that I mean everything imaginable, and go through it all again if necessary. the one quote I have to match that quote is a simple one given to me by someone very dear to me. "will you hold my hand and walk with me through the fire? will you help guide me and drive fear away from me? and will you accept the fact that I am not always right? if you yes, then you are the definition of a true friend and will always have a place in my heart." I know only two people that fit that quote to a "T" and have shown it before. Everyone will stumble and one point or another in their lives and when they do, if you love them and care about them, you will slow down, stop, and help them up and help guide them through. Those are my thoughts of the day. It is only 9 o'clock and havn't really decided if I am going to do anything stupid tonight or if I am going to completely grow up. And by that I mean learn how to deal with certain issues in a more adult fassion. I know people who have delt with issues and problems in ways that make my stomache turn and make me want to cry. But in the end, I will do my best to stand tall and be there for that one special someone who I hold close in my heart. I will be back later tonight I am sure. The night is young, and who knows what else will happen here at MMA. Current Mood: mellow Current Music: none at the moment
4:05 pm	Just another long day... Well it is Saturday the 11th and I am at MMA. Didn't feel too well again last night. Oh well, don't got much reason to be thrilled these days. Just went for a run along the canal (damn that was a lot colder than I was expecting). I am thinking about ordering another ASVAB book seeing how I am really getting into it and my math is comming along well. I really would like nothing more than to get my self-esteem up to par and feel better about myself, however it will take time. I have really taken to this livejournal thing, it is a lot better, not to mention more fun typing thoughts, feelings about my days and stuff. Anywho just a little over a month until I am 19 (one month and a week to be exact... man I can't believe I am almost 20). Right now I am just trying to relax, and listening to "Rock you like a Hurricane" by Def Leopard. Ah, just getting ready for this shitty wheather we are in for tonight into tomorrow, 8 to 15 inches of tha white stuff snow, yes that sucks, but oh well what are we suppose to do? Last night was another bad night for me, woke up today feeling like shit and to read a test message from Sarah that just wanted to make my heart go into a million different pieces. I have never been a very holy or religious person, but for an almost 19 year old, for some reason I have a lot of faith in things. I got no idea why. Omg, I can not believe it, but yes I am listening to Enya, I love her, she is such an amazing singer (thanks mom you so got me into her music). I love just being able to sit down and clear my mind after reading a book and studying. The past week at MMA I have just been doing a lot of running, weight lifting, studying my math, and reading ASVAB shit. It ain't bad, oh yes, and I have started drinking too, shame on me, I can't believe myself. I really need to stop, but for now I just want to knock myself out and wake up to think that this was all just a really really bad dream. However reality sucks, and I hate facing it. I keep reading away messages from friends of mine online. I do try not to read certain ones too much because it is painful to see. Well my goals in life right now are to simply get myself into shape, do well in math, and do well 2nd semester at MMA. This place sucks it is so hard. I think I just gave up my whole summer to basic training with the U.S. Coast Guard Reserves. I havn't singed any final papers yet, but I have a strong feeling that I might be shipping out a few weeks after I get through with my freshman year at MMA. Well anywho, for right now I got to get something in my system cuz I have not eaten all day. I will write again today at some point, be back later. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Linkin Park, Enya, Def, Leopard, Gorillaz
Friday, February 10th, 2006
5:28 pm	The biggest wall I have to climb Well it is Friday evening, and I just woke up about an hour ago after a really long night. Man that sucked, I deffinately wish I could take that one back. Alcohal is not my friend and at least it won't be for the next few years. I didn't have class yesterday because it was Thursday and we just don't have classes a couple days a week so yeah, that was interesting last night. Today I got some good news and some bad news. I got the job I applied for over in Whareham which pays pretty decently and is like 2 to 3 days a week. So yeah that was nice to hear today. The shitty part about today was the fact that I had to leave class like 4 times to use to head. Yes I was that hung over that I threw up like 4 times today while I was in class. I did manage however to get all my notes done and take my quiz, and still focus for the most part. But yeah last night I shotgunned my first beers and like damn, that wasn't too bad until I tried to go to bed around 1:30ish this morning and got the spins and the worst damn headache I have ever had. All I know is that I went outside the dorms about 2 or 3 times in my sweatpants and a blanket and threw up anything that was in my system. I also had to shag a few butts off of other cadets who where outside enjoying the air and the stars. But yeah between last night and today I have not been the happiest camper, and for the most part, I kind of wish I was somebody else for the time being. I did not work out at the gym today (for obvious reasons) little hung over during class and what not, and just needed to try to catch up on some sleep which was successful. Well while I am down here at MMA, I do have a few goals in mind that I am planning on capitalizing on: I would love to ace my math course, don't know if I will, but I want to pass it with flying colors, work out a ton and get into pretty good shape, quit smoking cigaretts, get ready for the retake of the ASVAB if I actually retake it, and a few other things on my mind that I have set but might not get. I have had a lot of free time to myself while being down here at MMA this week, and lots of time to reflect on many things. I am ashamed of a lot of things, but I do have a few things to be proud of. I really can't believe I set up a livejournal to put all the thougts on my mind in writting for the whole word to see. I have a small pocket journal that I have been keeping personal notes to myself in for the past month and a half, but honestly, I like typing on a keyboard a little bit better than penning stuff in a journal. Well I have had my share of ups and downs the past few weeks. Hmm anything decent to put in here, ah yes my dorm room. Well for once in my 4/C year (freshman year) it does not look like a prison cell. I have a small fridge and my microwave on top of it. My wall locker has all my uniforms in it (now out of order and all not ironed because I don't give a shit right now), I don't have a million school books (I have The Da Vinci Code, Dune, just got Angels and Demons, and I have ASVAB study guides 2005 and 2006 editiions). I got a shitload of food in all my draws due to the fact that the mess deck/galley, or cafe, whatever the hell you wish to call it is closed for winter semester. I have my cell phone charger plugged into the overhead light, obviously my cell phone not far from me (not that anyone ever calls me, lol), a picture of the most beautiful girl I have ever seen/met in my life hanging up on my overhead light (yes Sarah, it is your junior year picture, I love it, you are deffinately a very photogenic person), and a few other pictures of me and Sarah on my desk because even though she isn't with me right now, she is in my heart, she's in my soul, and looking at her pictures of her and us everyday help to get me through my day. Well my song of the day (yeah I know tell me about it, almost 19 years old, freshman in college and I am now picking songs for everyday, not sure if they are for what mood I am in or what, but yeah) todays song is "These Words" by Natasha Bedingfield These words are my own Threw some chords together, the combination D-E-F Its who I am, its what I do, and I was gonna lay it down for you I tried to focus my attention, but I feel so A-D-D I need some help, some inspiration, but its not coming easily (bridge) Tryin to find the magic, Tryin to write a classic, Dontcha know, dontcha know, dontcha know? Wastebin full of paper, clever rhymes- see ya later (chorus) These words are my own, from my heart flow, I love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, There's no other way to better say I love you, i love you Read some Byron Shelley and Keates, recited it over a hip-hop beat I'm havin trouble sayin what i mean, with dead poets and a drum machine You know i had some studio time booked, but i couldnt find the killer hook, now you're gonna raise the bar right up, nothin i write is ever good enough (repeat chorus twice) I'm gettin off my stage the curtains pull away No hyperboles to hide behind My naked soul exposes woaaaaah (repeat bridge) (repeat chorus I love you I love you, thats all i got to say cant think of a better way, and thats all i got to say I love you, is that ok? I was always told by someone special to me (Sarah) that things that I think are stupid or silly... that they are cute, so I don't know, anyways, till next time. xo Sarah xo I will always love you Current Mood: confused Current Music: rock, old school rock
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
5:51 pm	My life so far... Well it is Thursday night and I am back at MMA. I am here for a math course that I did not do too good in the first time around. I got a lot of stuff on my mind like I have had the past almost two weeks. Alright, I have finally enlisted in the U.S. Coast Guard, something I have been wanting to do sinse my sophomore year in high school, yes, at 16 I wanted to join, how crazy/stupid is that? Anywho I had a livejournal a while ago but I kind of lost it and so now I made another one for myself. I am at a point in my life where I can easily say that I have so much stuff on my mind I feel like the president of the United States. And it isn't fun for the most part. Let me think for a moment, I am in love with this girl Sarah (yes 15 months, and I still pray to God there is hope for more). I was a little shady about a few things and embarassed about others. I know I am almost 19, I should be able to tell the girl of my dreams small things that I am affraid of, thinking she might still think I am a creep or out of my mind. I have been lectured on relationships and how to treat a girl right, like gold that I will lose if I do not be the man I have to be. And for the longest time I thought I could do it on my own. And I am ashamed of the fact that I could not do it by myself. Over the past three weeks, I have been waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror saying to myself "Michael let's see if you can really make a difference, do you want to change? is there a reason why you want to or need to change? is the person you are wanting to change for worth it?" And everyday I gave myself the same answers, "yes, I want to show Sarah that I can be the man for her, to love her, protect her, be there for her, and watch her back for her." Here I am nearly two weeks sinse the last time I saw my angel, and I feel like Hell is trying to pull me away. Sarah and I spoke this past weekend, and Saturday night was a night of tears for both of us. She came clean to me about a lot of stuff that broke my heart to hear. Hell I even threw up a few times due to the fact that she told me some things that really honestly took me by surprise. The note we both left each other with after this past weekend was "after you are ungrounded in another month I want to see you again Michael and start fresh and new with you, I love you, I was just trying to hide it from you and make you feel bad, I don't want to be with anyone else, I love you, I want a fresh start, and take it slow and easy, you and me." Well ok yeah, maybe it wasn't those exact words, but it was really close to that and something along those lines and it gave me hope, a reason to breathe, a reason to live to see another day and open my eyes. Then Monday came and I got to talk to Sarah that morning (which deffinately started my day off on the right foot hearing her soft voice). And she told me about my sweatshirt and how it is KIA. I felt bad because I know she isn't like that and she didn't mean to do that. I got to talk to Sarah again Monday night before she went to sleep which meant the world to me being able to say goodnight to the girl of my dreams, my "high school sweetheart." And she told me she was still a little confused about things and wanted some time to herself. Now I am a changing man, and am trying to be the one for her, the one she wants me to be, so I said I will wait. "Mike I won't see anyone else or anything, I just need some time to myself for right now," I didn't care if it took her two months, she is well worth the wait, and I am more than willing to wait for her. Then I didn't hear from Sarah at all on Tuesday, and I finally heard from her on Wednesday night because she called my cell phone while she was at church working. I called her back and she hung up again, and then she called me back and asked why I called her, I said "you called me first" and she said "bull shit." The only names I could be under in Sarah's phone could be "my baby, michael or mike, or asshole, or as sarah likes to cal me, cheater." She claims she was trying to call Mario, the other night but called me by mistake, I am not near Mario in her cell phone book. Well at the end of Wednesday night she told me she never wanted to hear from me or see me again, that she hated me, didn't trust me, couldn't date me ever again, and that the last week that we saw each other, she didn't really want to be with me, kiss me, or hold my hand. It all hurts and goes straight to the heart. But in the end why am I still changing and trying to better myself? There is a quote in Sarah's profile that I fell in love with because it is true and I stongly believe in it. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." To answer the question above the quote, the reason why I am still changing and still in love with Sarah, is because of what the quote states. "Love keeps no record of wrongs... Love never fails." That is why I am still in love with this girl. Because to me she is perfect and I love her more than life itself. I have friends who tell me "Mike, you are joining the Coast Guard, you are in college, and you are trying to work and do so many things at once, why are you so wrapped up in Sarah and still want her and love her so much?" The reasons why are simple: ~you only fall in love once ~nothing great in life comes easy (just ask Sarah yourself, she can tell you about all the bumps in the road we have made it safely over) ~Kaitlyn, Jen, Steph, Max, Dave, Craig, and a lot of cadets from MMA know that I love this girl more than anything, and they are all telling me not to be a fool, and to do the right thing. Sarah I hope you read this and think about it strongly, I love you more than anything baby, and I have changed, you don't believe it because you are affraid to think that someone like me could ever really change, well I am on my way to being a better man for the right woman. I hope you look deep inside your heart. The Sarah McAuliffe I know opened her arms to me last saturday night and cried with me on the phone, and we both know that we love each other. All my love to the one girl that is worth my world and everything I can and can not offer. You will have a great Valentines Day Sarah, because if you don't, then you can catastrate me (if I spelled that right)! In time things will heal, and you will see, I am a man, and I have matured for you. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Enya, Mario, anything that reminds me of Sarah